ARE YOU A PEOPLE PLEASER?

Do you put your needs after everyone else’s? Do you wait for people to be happy, so you can feel happy? Do you always say – YES? Do you give more to others than you give to yourself? Are you always organising other people’s lives?

Well, if you answered yes to many of these questions you are simply putting yourself second best. This behaviour is deeply rooted in your past, whether it is abusive parents, harsh critics, an absence of love, neglect, unrealistically high expectations of yourself or feeling at odds with society. 

Being continuously criticised or neglected causes the need for excessive control by trying to please everyone and projecting a sense of perfection. There are many people with this behaviour, and often there is one commonality – the fear of rejection or failure. Your attempt to please the world leaves you feeling like you’ve done something good; by always helping and giving you think people will have to love you in return.

"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing." - AUGUST WILSON -

This pattern is very destructive as you are neglecting yourself. It can make you passive aggressive and foster resentment and it may also affect your ability to enjoy other people’s company and make you reclusive. In the worst cases, it can cause acute stress and depression as you will feel like everyone takes advantage of you. When your heart is lacking love and has done for a very long time, giving and pleasing is one of the many human coping mechanisms – pleasing becomes a currency to buy a moment of love. By pleasing, you feed on the emotion of other people and it will become addictive. You’ll end up relying on other people to make you feel good, whereas it should come from within. The remedy if you’re a people pleaser is learning how to say NO! The more you give, the more you’ll feel that you have been used, where in truth it was your choice to give, no matter if people asked for something or not. The choice to say NO is always yours.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" - GAUTAMA BUDDHA -

You are no good to anyone if you don’t look after yourself. Your heart is in the right place, but before you feed the world you must feed yourself. Give to others if you have extra, but don’t deprive yourself from things that your heart desires. Don’t let the guilt of success or personal abundance ruin your enjoyment of life. Start being generous towards yourself, as other people only need your love -- anymore than that is superfluous. You cannot buy love, but if you surround yourself with the right people they will love you unconditionally. Indulge in the things that you enjoy – by fulfilling your deepest desires and making your dreams come true, you won’t have the need to please continuously.

Most people want to surround themselves with strong and confident people; so you must learn how to say NO as otherwise you will be taken advantage of. There are many people who will try to pass you boring tasks and make you responsible for difficult situations, don’t make their life easy at the expense of yours.

“If you don't build your dream, someone else will hire you to help them build theirs.”- DHIRUBHAI AMBANI -

You are an incredible human being with a bright future, just choose to see it! Release the pain from the past, your lack of love can be filled with a handful of good people and the pursuit of a happy life.

YOUR UPBRINGING & YOUR PAST DON’T DEFINE YOUR FUTURE. 

YOU DO!

READ NEXT: YOUR MIND. Your best friend or your enemy?

DEFICIENCY OF LOVE

OUR WORLD SUFFERS FROM A DEFICIENCY OF LOVE that causes so many people to feel misunderstood and disheartened. What is LOVE? It’s an intense feeling of affection that can heal your heart from pain and hate and fills it with joy and happiness. Our heart is the first organ to form during foetal development in the womb and I don’t think this is random but the creation of a person through love which is the essence of life.

Without love our hearts couldn’t function properly, it knows how to love but when broken the pain starts and hate can result. Our earth is in desperate need of compassion and equality; the reason why so many people feel lost and unhappy is partially because they feel misunderstood and unloved. Instead of loving some people prefer conflict and are quick to judge those that are different, sometimes it is easier to be unkind than give a little bit of our own heart. People have forgotten the simple kindness towards one another, the acceptance of our neighbours, and acceptance of people the way they are; instead we seek validation for our choices and criticise anyone who dares to be different.

I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear. - Martin Luther King, Jr. -

We don’t show enough love, or say it enough either. The way we are brought up has a huge impact on who we become later in life. Growing up surrounded by unconditional love and a happy family helps create a balanced mind; but sadly, this isn't given to everyone.

Although, I do believe that anybody can turn their life around and become happy, even if their childhood was dysfunctional. It’s about forgiving the past and letting go of it. And, in some cases letting go of the people that bring drama into your life, no hate is required, silence will speak for itself. Keeping people in your life that make you depressed is like carrying a hedgehog in your pocket so every time you put your hand in, you get hurt.

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. - Oscar Wilde -

I have read so much about people’s unhappiness: suffering in silence, heartache, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, negativity, misfits, but all of these feelings come to one thing, the lack of love for yourself and low self-esteem. If there is a lack of love for yourself, there will be pain and sadness. It’s not easy but once you enter the land of pain; make sure you have the intention to come out stronger and self-loving, otherwise a life of sadness will be your fate. Everyone in the world can be happy but it starts by loving who you are and what you are born with. Love all that you are including your gifts, your talents, your body and your mind. You are your own person; you don’t need to be like everyone else to be happy. You don’t need your friends, family or the neighbours to approve of your choices on how you live your life; you only need their love, if it’s unconditional.

By loving who you are and being confident in making choices that please you, you will attract happy people and your energy level will be on a higher frequency. Don’t let the gloominess of life steal your heart. We all have our battles. Don’t let go as the best is yet to come.

Do things you love, with people you love. Become passionate about something so the lack of love is filled. You must decide that happy is the only way to live. Love those who love you and ignore the haters. Your happiness can save the world and bring peace, it is the best thing you can influence someone with, compassion and love, so they in turn can influence someone else. If everyone took charge of their own happiness, and cared for one another, the world would be different. If we started to smile and be kind to each other as often as possible, the misinterpretation of kindness will disappear and become normal. Disregard the people, who won’t embrace it, they cannot love if they don’t feel it. Don’t tell the world; show it with your actions.

SPREAD LOVE AND KINDNESS SO ONE DAY THEY BECOME LIKE BREATHING AIR AND DRINKING WATER.

READ NEXT: Are you a people pleaser?

YOUR MIND. Your best friend or your enemy?

Do you feel like you cannot escape your mind? The negative parroting of the same things over and over again, keeping you fearful and limited.  Let me tell you one thing that the parrot isn’t telling you, none of it is true. You just need to learn how to control your mind and keep it positive and rational.

Meditation is one of the ways and another is counselling.  They’re both efficient methods, however you must be dedicated as your mind will fight change, you’ll probably think something like -“You don't need to see anyone, you’re not crazy!”  Or, “You look so stupid in the lotus position, forget about it and watch TV.”

"You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind."  - Joyce Meyer -

Your mind’s biggest fear is change, it will try to convince you it won’t work, or that it’s too risky, or its number one excuse to stop you: what will people think? But it’s just fear, a fiction of your imagination, you just need to tell it that everything is going to be fine, I want to try this and I believe in myself. 

It is important to understand that the mind is primitive.  And, like anything primitive it needs to be tamed and developed in order to live a good life.  Once we gain control of it, it becomes a powerful ally with incredible abilities, just ask life’s high achievers.  Most of our negative thoughts are related to our past actions and mistakes, let’s call them life experiences; the judgement of others and the taking of risks to better our lives.  A weak mind will repeatedly ask itself the same insecure questions and may continually make bad choices.

“We deal with our mind from morning till evening, and it can be our friend or our worst enemy.” - Matthieu Ricard -

The fear of being alone with our thoughts is one of the reasons millions of people become workaholics, to avoid their mind working against them, they try to always stay busy.  It’s a coping mechanism that is very common. We try to forget our worries, our fears and our disappointments, by keeping busy to drown it all out. To a certain extent being active is a good way of diluting the negative thoughts, but it’s only a temporary solution, as eventually something would need to be done. We cannot bury our regrets and doubts forever, they will eventually resurface in your our minds, and the longer we wait, the harder it will be to deal with.

Seek professional help in order to find closure on what ever your personal demons might be.  Help yourself move forward, you are not perfect, just human.  We all face difficulties in our lives; no matter if we are rich or poor, young or old, female or male.

Life will make it difficult at times so we can learn something through the experience, but that’s to enable us to move onto our next chapter – so be patient, find the strength and don’t be too hard on yourself.

“Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one”  - Bruce Lee -

Unfortunately many can't see their way out of their mindset and situation.  They reach out for extreme alternatives to escape it all, and it often doesn't end very well. These people have simply lost hope. No situation is hopeless; your will and determination to overcome your doubts and fears will guide you, it is an inside job. Believe that you can turn things around, because no one can do it for you. 

Here’s a little secret, the mind can only hold one thought at the time so when a negative thought enters your mind, start doing something else, distract yourself; watch a comedy, read a book, call a friend, play upbeat music, temporary distractions are the glue between now and the time you gain control of your mind.

“There is no such thing as a hopeless situation. Every single circumstances of your life can change!” - Rhonda Byrne -  

Many people experience the same feelings and fears. Our mind will sometime tell us lies, where as our heart and guts cannot lie or be corrupted. That’s why it hurts so much when we don’t listen to either; neurologists have proven that when it comes to our moods, decisions and behaviour, the brain in our head is not the only one doing the thinking but our guts too (our second brain). 

- We are born with only two fears, the fear of falling and the fear of loud noise. Any other fears were acquired through life experiences. - 

Don’t let your problems and your way of coping with negative thoughts dictate how you live your life.  Don’t bury what is evident to you.  Remove it, or deal with it, as you will be missing out on an amazing life.  If you decide to let go of what you can’t control, you will instantly be a happier person, that includes family, other people’s judgements, what tomorrow will bring, how long you’ll live; basically anything you have no control over – Let it all go.

IF THERE IS A PROBLEM, THERE IS A SOLUTION; IF THERE IS NO SOLUTION, THERE IS NO PROBLEM.

READ NEXT: Honesty

PANIC ATTACKS/ ANXIETY

Your heart is racing, your throat is tight and there’s a ball of lead in your chest. It’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings to experience and can seriously get in the way of your everyday life, but I have no doubt that it can be tamed and eventually disappear.

I'm not a doctor or a psychologist, just a person that has recently developed this weird feeling of panic and discomfort when threatened or faced with an alien situation. It's just my defense system going on full power and triggering a red alert, when most of the time it’s not needed.

All my life I heard people say, “I get panic attacks” or “I suffer from anxiety”, but I could never really relate to these people as I had never experienced it. 

"Fear cannot be banished, but it can be calm and without panic; it can be mitigated by reason and evaluation." - Vannevar Bush -

I'm a fairly confident person and I wear my heart on my sleeve, but for the last couple of years I have been faced with a series of non-positive situations and met some seriously unkind people. I was on the wrong frequency of life and attracted very unlikable things. I truly believe that all these experiences which have happened one after another have lowered my confidence and as a result my mind created a mechanism to protect itself, preventing them from happening again.

It’s a little bit like an allergic reaction when you eat or touch something and your body reacts fairly quickly so you have to take anti-histamine. The remedy to anxiety or panic attacks is love, reassurance and self-confidence. Your friends and family may help here by reminding you that nothing bad is going to happen but the main part needs to come from within you.

Life will throw you in the strangest, most uncomfortable and very challenging situations, and the more you want out of life, the harder it will be, however the rewards are absolutely magical if you hang on and keep going. Amazing things do come to those who wait, as long as they have the right attitude. 

My panic attacks are getting better at a steady pace and I believe that I can overcome this strange reactions to evocative or odd situations, I'm not the type of person to settle for what I have, so being faced with unknown situations or people cannot get in my way and it shouldn't for you too. You must find the cause of your anxiety and what triggers the panic attacks, for me it’s usually people or situations that have hurt me in the past, or something that reminds me of them like places with bad memories.

"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic." - Anais Nin -

So when the feeling is coming I tune my mind to happy things and remind myself of the beautiful and loving people in my life. At first it's hard but the more you train yourself to feel love and happiness, the stronger you will get; and one day ultimately you will be amazed that you no longer let your insecurities rule your life.

LIVE IN LOVE AND LEAVE THE FEAR.

READ NEXT: Our traumatic childhoods