‘FAMILY’ - RETHOUGHT

We are all the products of our environment. Our early conditioning at home has a huge impact on who we become, and the people we grow up with will impact our lives in a way that no one else can. We will absorb their way of dealing with stress, their daily routines, their political views, their spiritual belief, and their social behaviours. That said, many choose to recondition their mind at a later stage in life, especially if their upbringing doesn't align with their true-self. They will either rebel, or learn a new way of life, but the old conditioning cannot be completely cut from their mind, it will remain in some way!

“I was angry and frustrated until I started my own family and my first child was born. Until then I didn’t really appreciate life the way I should have, but fortunately I woke up.” 
- Johnny Depp -

EXPECTATIONS:

There are heavy expectations when it comes to family, often movies and commercials portray family as loving and respecting one another, supporting each other’s dreams and ambitions, a picture of perfect harmony despite the differences in personalities and ambitions! 

Happy families do exist, but perfect families are simply a MYTH! Every single family on the planet has problems, ranging from mild disagreements to abusive behaviour, and sadly even barbarity! I believe we need to redefine the word ‘FAMILY’ to improve our lives, and the lives of families that come after ours. 

We must all understand that parents are just people with their own problems. Gratefully, some are more enlightened than others, but they all still have issues and fears. They are not gods, or wizards with magic wands, they don’t have answers to all our problems, especially if they grew up with limitations and fears themselves! They too come from another unit with their unique story! We must accept that sharing DNA with another person does not make us exactly the same or confer ownership of them. The true duties of family members towards each another are love and support, if they can manage it! Many cannot as they have not received it themselves and this is where many problems start. Think about it for a minute, if you’ve never been loved, guided or encouraged, how could you then pass that onto others? You cannot love if you don’t have love for yourself first!

CONSEQUENCES: 
Many people by the age of 40 will give up on their physical, emotional and mental health, barely thinking of their spiritual needs. They’ll fall onto a limited path, following the limitations of their negative mindset and experiences, without ever finding a way out. 

“A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another.”

- Buddha -

BALANCE:

The main reasons why people cannot get better are the absence of self-belief for self-healing, and the lack of enriching experiences for personal growth. The cycle of broken people repeats itself, recycling negative childhoods for the next generation. The statistics show problems with children who have grown up with fear; poor self-esteem; inability to self-heal; poor education; absence of love; and physical or mental abuse. They all sadly struggle to cope with life as they grow older as they have no foundations to fall upon when faced with the harsh moments of life. Strong foundations are vital to become a balanced individual, so we should hope this truth becomes a reality for future generations to come.

TEACHING: 

Love, kindness, compassion and perseverance must be taught from childhood. We’ve all been taught to treat a cut on our finger with antiseptic and a plaster to help it heal. But, the internal scars and bruises as we grow up have never been spoken of, never healed, never dealt with. Once the child becomes an adult, if the healing of these hurts have not been dealt with, he or she becomes a monumental emotional mess, often angry, negative, misunderstood or anti-social, and unable to reach enlightenment which is the ultimate development of one's inner potential as a human being.

“Everyone needs a house to live in, but a supportive family is what builds a home.” 
- Anthony Liccione -

ESCAPISM:

Unfortunately, we live in a society where no one has time to listen, to feel, or to understand. Instead we seek advice from our friends Jack Daniels or Bud Weiser, and they usually sooth us with some temporary escapism. Others prefer to lose themselves to chemical oblivion, but the return to reality is much harsher, and often dangerous or addictive! They are all soothing  temporarily but they don’t really heal anything. They just keep you numb stealing the sensation of being alive! When you wake up, the problem, the pain or whatever you are attempting to escape from is still there. 

WE ALL HAVE FAMILY PROBLEMS: 

Every single one of us has family issues, from the small and insignificant to genuinely painful situations. But now more than ever it is time to heal our bodies, spirits and minds, we all have what it takes to decide that we’re no longer victims of our experiences and to aim for a brighter life.

We must stop making broken people. The next generations must be raised with love, balance, knowledge and education, but also with a deep understanding of themselves through learning about their own emotions. Teaching mindfulness will help the next generation benefit from controlling their thoughts.

Family feuds have damaged minds and broke many hearts! We are all born into families, but before we call it family, we must learn how to respect each others life choices, beliefs and to make allowances for each other’s faults. I’m not saying that will be easy(!), but we must believe it is possible to take the first step! For many there is a reasonable chance to make amends with your family and find love.

However, some families are beyond repair as no love is present. Protecting our happiness from those who haven’t learnt from their life journey is essential as we are all here to experience our own lives in the most blissful way.

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” 
- Henry Ward Beecher -

LET’S CREATE FAMILIES WITH BEAUTIFUL VALUES AND LOVE, 
FOR A BETTER FUTURE AND WORLD.

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OUR TRAUMATIC CHILDHOODS

So many of our fears and limitations were passed onto us by our parents and the life path they set us on. We all have those moments from our past that are very vivid, moments where our first fears were born and marked us forever. Unfortunately, these fears are still influencing our lives today and limiting us from achieving our full potential.

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” 
- Oprah Winfrey - 

It doesn't matter what type of life you were born with, or how you were brought up. The key is to keep only the positive from your upbringing such as love, a keen sense of self-worth and anything else that makes your life better and happier. Remove any limitations and negativities from your mind, you can rewrite your approach to life - It is what I did!

I have encountered so many people who were filled with fear and limitations from their childhood. They were unable to assess their situation and treat the source of their anxiety; they hadn’t realised their fear is derived from a past event or conflict. When a parent leaves home it is common to develop a fear of abandonment and guilt; if you were continuously told that you were not good enough you could have easily developed low-self-esteem; or if you were bullied at school for being different, you can easily develop a fear of rejection. Where you lack love from your parents it can be difficult to love and respect yourself. I had so many fears from my childhood and my parents, but I knew that one day I would overcome them all and succeed.

“The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and 
the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic 
of psychological trauma.” 
- Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery -

Whatever your upbringing, nurture your inner-child and accept the traumatic experiences from your childhood. If there were many negative experiences, try to cast your mind back and assure your younger-self that you are capable of so much. If you lacked care and love, go back and give yourself the love, it is so important for your survival. If you were told that you were not good enough to succeed, go back and tell yourself anything is possible, you are as worthy of success as anyone else. Go back to your traumatic experiences and heal your wounds, once you've healed your inner child you will unleash an incredible power within you. You'll have the confidence and love you need to move forward. You'll understand your fears and where they came from so you can stand up to them or let them go.

I come from a limited family; both of my parents were immigrants from North Africa who were born into farming families and unfortunately both illiterate. Their childhoods were characterised by poverty and religion.

My siblings and I were raised in France on social benefits and sadly my father left home in my early teens. Being poor and uneducated is a big handicap to enjoyment of life, but if your home becomes an unhappy place then your childhood can really become traumatic. Thankfully, I had amazing friends that I spend most of my time with, they and their families showed me the value of respect and love.

“If your body is screaming in pain, whether the pain is muscular contractions, anxiety, depression, asthma or arthritis, a first step in releasing the pain may be making the connection between your body pain and the cause. “Beliefs are physical. A thought held long enough and repeated enough becomes a belief. The belief then becomes biology.” - Marilyn Van Derbur -

My parents did have an opportunity to learn how to read and write, so they could have chosen a better life for themselves and their children. However, they decided otherwise, so I ended up assiting them a lot as I was the oldest. I didn’t know that by helping them with their inability to read and write, I would keep them limited and in the process limit myself.

I have been rebelling against my fears and limitations for a long time now, and I have come a long way. The life I have built for myself is amazing, I’m endlessly growing and I have let go of so much negativity with the remaining still a work in progress. Most of the limited thinking imposed on me when I was a child has gone and I have no doubt the rest will go in time.

Years of mental confinement, the absence of love and emotional support can be damaging to your self-esteem. It is important to bounce back and kiss goodbye to your negative past and open your mind to the possibilities of a blissful future. I used to wish for a different upbringing but not anymore because without this limited start I wouldn’t have become the person I am today - a free thinker with irrepressible ambition to succeed.

SOOTH YOUR WOUNDS AND UNLOCK YOUR FUTURE!

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PARENT'S BLESSING: Why seek approval?

We only end up hurting if we don't get it as we know we have failed to meet their expectations.Do we need to please our parents and follow their ways? I don’t believe so. We are individuals not clones with our own aspirations. Some parents heavily influence their children to follow their path; in an odd way they push them toward their unachieved dreams, their religious beliefs, and their way of life.

Of course, parents will have a certain way of living which their children will have to accept. They'll have do as they're told, but only until they're old enough to make their own choices and chase their own dreams.

I believe that parents should raise their kids with unconditional love and with discipline, but also encourage their independence and freewill to become whomever they want to be.

I once met an intelligent and beautiful girl at a model agency.

I asked her: “Where are you from? She said: “From Puerto Rico”. I was amazed that she came from somewhere so far away. I asked her if she was a model back home. She answered: ”No, I was a pilot”. I was gob smacked! I asked: "What are you doing here in London?" She replied: “I’m here on a student visa to get away from my dad and make my dream come true. I never wanted to become a pilot, that was my dad’s dream. I want to be a model, I'm passionate about fashion.”

We all know people who are living their lives in a certain way to keep their parents or others happy. They feel like it's their duty, an obligation towards them and they're willing to sacrifice some of their own freedom to please them. That’s a personal choice and no one should be judged for it. However, many suffer the consequences. Their heart divorces their mind and they become unhappy as they aren't living the life they desire.

"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair." - Mitch Albom -

The lack of support or love from your parents will hurt but that’s only a problem if you choose to let the pain take over. Time will heal your wounds. Do you really need their blessing to breathe air? Do you need their approval to choose who you love? Do you need them to hold your hand for your first day at work? No! So why is it any different to choose the life you want?

It is heart breaking when a parent disapproves of your choices, rejecting the life you have chosen or sometimes showing disapproval through disinterest. I kind of understand their perspective though. They think they know what is best for you and want to protect you from the bad choices they made. They forget that we all have different values and different ambitions, so we all need to follow our own path. I don’t think this makes them bad parents, just afraid of the unknown with little faith in what is possible.

"Lucky parents who have fine children usually have lucky children who have fine parents." - James A. Brewer -

It isn’t our job to fulfil our parent’s unfinished dreams or live the life they have chosen for us, but we do have a duty towards ourselves to fulfil our own destiny. 

Some kids are happy to take over the family business or follow the same profession as their parents because it's a family tradition and other kids want something different. It's the same with spiritual, political and religious beliefs, some will keep them going and others will make their own choices.

If you are a parent, don't be disappointed if your son or daughter has chosen to live free and be their own person. Most kids are grateful to their parents for the clothes on their backs, the food on the table, and the roof over their head. Mostly they are grateful for the chance to live and this can only be repaid by love. Be proud of your kids and love them, accept their choices and passions, they want your love and acceptance more than anything, but they will find a way to live without it if this is not the case.

Parents have the gift to heal the world, by teaching unconditional love to the next generation SO OUR FUTURE CAN BE BRIGHTER.

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