‘FAMILY’ - RETHOUGHT

We are all the products of our environment. Our early conditioning at home has a huge impact on who we become, and the people we grow up with will impact our lives in a way that no one else can. We will absorb their way of dealing with stress, their daily routines, their political views, their spiritual belief, and their social behaviours. That said, many choose to recondition their mind at a later stage in life, especially if their upbringing doesn't align with their true-self. They will either rebel, or learn a new way of life, but the old conditioning cannot be completely cut from their mind, it will remain in some way!

“I was angry and frustrated until I started my own family and my first child was born. Until then I didn’t really appreciate life the way I should have, but fortunately I woke up.” 
- Johnny Depp -

EXPECTATIONS:

There are heavy expectations when it comes to family, often movies and commercials portray family as loving and respecting one another, supporting each other’s dreams and ambitions, a picture of perfect harmony despite the differences in personalities and ambitions! 

Happy families do exist, but perfect families are simply a MYTH! Every single family on the planet has problems, ranging from mild disagreements to abusive behaviour, and sadly even barbarity! I believe we need to redefine the word ‘FAMILY’ to improve our lives, and the lives of families that come after ours. 

We must all understand that parents are just people with their own problems. Gratefully, some are more enlightened than others, but they all still have issues and fears. They are not gods, or wizards with magic wands, they don’t have answers to all our problems, especially if they grew up with limitations and fears themselves! They too come from another unit with their unique story! We must accept that sharing DNA with another person does not make us exactly the same or confer ownership of them. The true duties of family members towards each another are love and support, if they can manage it! Many cannot as they have not received it themselves and this is where many problems start. Think about it for a minute, if you’ve never been loved, guided or encouraged, how could you then pass that onto others? You cannot love if you don’t have love for yourself first!

CONSEQUENCES: 
Many people by the age of 40 will give up on their physical, emotional and mental health, barely thinking of their spiritual needs. They’ll fall onto a limited path, following the limitations of their negative mindset and experiences, without ever finding a way out. 

“A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another.”

- Buddha -

BALANCE:

The main reasons why people cannot get better are the absence of self-belief for self-healing, and the lack of enriching experiences for personal growth. The cycle of broken people repeats itself, recycling negative childhoods for the next generation. The statistics show problems with children who have grown up with fear; poor self-esteem; inability to self-heal; poor education; absence of love; and physical or mental abuse. They all sadly struggle to cope with life as they grow older as they have no foundations to fall upon when faced with the harsh moments of life. Strong foundations are vital to become a balanced individual, so we should hope this truth becomes a reality for future generations to come.

TEACHING: 

Love, kindness, compassion and perseverance must be taught from childhood. We’ve all been taught to treat a cut on our finger with antiseptic and a plaster to help it heal. But, the internal scars and bruises as we grow up have never been spoken of, never healed, never dealt with. Once the child becomes an adult, if the healing of these hurts have not been dealt with, he or she becomes a monumental emotional mess, often angry, negative, misunderstood or anti-social, and unable to reach enlightenment which is the ultimate development of one's inner potential as a human being.

“Everyone needs a house to live in, but a supportive family is what builds a home.” 
- Anthony Liccione -

ESCAPISM:

Unfortunately, we live in a society where no one has time to listen, to feel, or to understand. Instead we seek advice from our friends Jack Daniels or Bud Weiser, and they usually sooth us with some temporary escapism. Others prefer to lose themselves to chemical oblivion, but the return to reality is much harsher, and often dangerous or addictive! They are all soothing  temporarily but they don’t really heal anything. They just keep you numb stealing the sensation of being alive! When you wake up, the problem, the pain or whatever you are attempting to escape from is still there. 

WE ALL HAVE FAMILY PROBLEMS: 

Every single one of us has family issues, from the small and insignificant to genuinely painful situations. But now more than ever it is time to heal our bodies, spirits and minds, we all have what it takes to decide that we’re no longer victims of our experiences and to aim for a brighter life.

We must stop making broken people. The next generations must be raised with love, balance, knowledge and education, but also with a deep understanding of themselves through learning about their own emotions. Teaching mindfulness will help the next generation benefit from controlling their thoughts.

Family feuds have damaged minds and broke many hearts! We are all born into families, but before we call it family, we must learn how to respect each others life choices, beliefs and to make allowances for each other’s faults. I’m not saying that will be easy(!), but we must believe it is possible to take the first step! For many there is a reasonable chance to make amends with your family and find love.

However, some families are beyond repair as no love is present. Protecting our happiness from those who haven’t learnt from their life journey is essential as we are all here to experience our own lives in the most blissful way.

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” 
- Henry Ward Beecher -

LET’S CREATE FAMILIES WITH BEAUTIFUL VALUES AND LOVE, 
FOR A BETTER FUTURE AND WORLD.

READ NEXT: Parent's blessing, why seek approval?

INDIA THROUGH THE EYES OF ANON - "Guest post by ANON"

"One can become a strange mixture of East and West, out of place everywhere, at home nowhere; or being still oneself, one can learn to find oneself ‘in place’ anywhere and ‘at home’ everywhere, in the profoundest sense a citizen of the world". - A.K Coomaraswamy. -

I recently returned from a three month trip in India. As an Indian brought up in England, I have always been encouraged to have a voice, to have a career of my own and to be my own person. So for me, when I go back to India and see the life that women have to subscribe to, I can’t help thinking how different their life and choices are. Perhaps the word I am looking for is limited. And so I am going to illustrate this point with two examples of real-life situations. 

The first example involves a young lady. Let us call her Anjali. Anjali is a bright, articulate young lady. She has had all the privileges of a middle class upbringing in India and even completed her Masters degree overseas in Australia. She can speak at least three languages fluently and her spoken English is so clear and grammatically correct, one hardly notices her Indian accent.

Now Anjali is quite capable of working and is encouraged to work in professions such as IT or the family business. At home, Anjali excels in many hobbies which she loves such as needlework, classical music or dance.

She is in fact an all-rounder. She loves her fashion, she’s constantly on WhatsApp, Facebook and Instagram and has a “real joie de vivre”. Of course Anjali is free to socialise and go out, go to movies, have dinner with friends but it is very unusual for her to go out on her own, and one would certainly never see Anjali hanging out with a boy. (I am not saying people in India don’t date, of course they do, but lets’ say they do it in a more discrete manner. For example, you very rarely see couples holding hands – the beach may be the only exception where this is seen – you certainly don’t see people kissing in public and in a nightclub it is highly unlikely that you would get some drunken, sweaty-faced guy who grabs you on the dance floor and lunges at you in the hope that your lips might lock!).

As Anjali approaches her mid to late 20s, she knows it will soon be time for her to get married. Her husband to-be is chosen by a word-of-mouth, a carefully researched, pre-selection process by her parents and extended family.

Anjali may be told she has the final say but the reality is that the pre-chosen match is the husband for her. And then comes the marriage. In some cases, the husband may be happy for her to continue working but in other cases, the husband may expect her to give up work, which Anjali will have to comply with, if the marriage is to be successful. And then the young married couple are very much expected to have a child within the first year of marriage – I know this for a fact because from my cousins who have all been married in the last ten years or so, contraception is not advised and in some cases forbidden. So what, I ask myself is the point in giving Indian girls a decent education, sending them abroad for further studies, only to encourage them and subscribe them to a marriage where they are taught to accept that the husband’s choice, his say: to accept that he is King? What happened to the Queen? The second example involves a young woman, which we will call Suetha. So Suetha got married to a very handsome, professional young man. Yes, her parents had chosen him as a suitable partner for her: all was good. They had three beautiful children together. All was going well. Suetha was absolutely devoted to her husband and family. They lived in a fabulous house, had lots of friends and generally were very happy together. 

But then after 20 years of marriage, her husband had an affair. This affair went on for many years. Suetha felt helpless. She could not really divorce him, because her main concern, living in a traditional Indian society, was that she wanted to get her children married and well settled in good families and she knew she would not be able to do that if she was a divorcee: it would reflect badly on her and on her family. In essence, her standing in the community would be tarnished. 

So Suetha decided to take no action and waited in the hope that her husband would ‘return’ to her. The husband in the meanwhile, became so brazen about the affair that he actually moved out of home, bought a new house with the mistress, who by the way, knew he was married with three children, and essentially lived with her as man and wife for about five years. The husband told his wife that the mistress ‘brought light into his life’.

Suetha decided to speak to her in-laws, in the hope that he could be persuaded to see sense and return home. Suetha was told by her father-in-law that her husband, his son, could do as he pleased. Suetha was expected to put-up and shut-up. Eventually, after some more ‘talking’ between the in-laws, the husband and Suetha, the husband did eventually decide to return home. He realised he missed his wife and children and ‘could not live without them’. However, before he returned home, Suetha was made to ask her parents-in-laws for forgiveness! Quite remarkable! For the sake of her children, Suetha did this. 

The family are now back together. It has not been a straightforward journey but they are a family once again, living under the same roof. It is not for me to comment on whether Suetha was right or wrong in her course of action. But what I do want to say is that the in-laws are the most hypocritical people on the planet. It seems that Indian society always blames the woman for a failing marriage. Period.

So, while the rest of the Western world is demanding that women should have equal pay in the workplace. I say that in India, women should have EQUAL place in the home and in a marriage.

ANON.


READ NEXT: WOMEN. Why can't a woman be equal to a man?