ARE YOU A PEOPLE PLEASER?

Do you put your needs after everyone else’s? Do you wait for people to be happy, so you can feel happy? Do you always say – YES? Do you give more to others than you give to yourself? Are you always organising other people’s lives?

Well, if you answered yes to many of these questions you are simply putting yourself second best. This behaviour is deeply rooted in your past, whether it is abusive parents, harsh critics, an absence of love, neglect, unrealistically high expectations of yourself or feeling at odds with society. 

Being continuously criticised or neglected causes the need for excessive control by trying to please everyone and projecting a sense of perfection. There are many people with this behaviour, and often there is one commonality – the fear of rejection or failure. Your attempt to please the world leaves you feeling like you’ve done something good; by always helping and giving you think people will have to love you in return.

"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing." - AUGUST WILSON -

This pattern is very destructive as you are neglecting yourself. It can make you passive aggressive and foster resentment and it may also affect your ability to enjoy other people’s company and make you reclusive. In the worst cases, it can cause acute stress and depression as you will feel like everyone takes advantage of you. When your heart is lacking love and has done for a very long time, giving and pleasing is one of the many human coping mechanisms – pleasing becomes a currency to buy a moment of love. By pleasing, you feed on the emotion of other people and it will become addictive. You’ll end up relying on other people to make you feel good, whereas it should come from within. The remedy if you’re a people pleaser is learning how to say NO! The more you give, the more you’ll feel that you have been used, where in truth it was your choice to give, no matter if people asked for something or not. The choice to say NO is always yours.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" - GAUTAMA BUDDHA -

You are no good to anyone if you don’t look after yourself. Your heart is in the right place, but before you feed the world you must feed yourself. Give to others if you have extra, but don’t deprive yourself from things that your heart desires. Don’t let the guilt of success or personal abundance ruin your enjoyment of life. Start being generous towards yourself, as other people only need your love -- anymore than that is superfluous. You cannot buy love, but if you surround yourself with the right people they will love you unconditionally. Indulge in the things that you enjoy – by fulfilling your deepest desires and making your dreams come true, you won’t have the need to please continuously.

Most people want to surround themselves with strong and confident people; so you must learn how to say NO as otherwise you will be taken advantage of. There are many people who will try to pass you boring tasks and make you responsible for difficult situations, don’t make their life easy at the expense of yours.

“If you don't build your dream, someone else will hire you to help them build theirs.”- DHIRUBHAI AMBANI -

You are an incredible human being with a bright future, just choose to see it! Release the pain from the past, your lack of love can be filled with a handful of good people and the pursuit of a happy life.

YOUR UPBRINGING & YOUR PAST DON’T DEFINE YOUR FUTURE. 

YOU DO!

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HONESTY

Being honest is the only way to be. However, in our time so many people feel the need to massage the truth to get out of difficult situations or make themselves more interesting. 

Why not make truth a reliable constant? I believe the problem lies in our nurture and the influence we have on each other. If we have been influenced by irresponsible people who lied their way through life, instinctively we will behave in the same way and believe it is normal to lie. Sometimes lying is motivated by fear, a fear of judgment or conflict, and sometimes lying seems to be the best option rather than saying things as they are. 

 “If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.” - Mark Twain -

Honesty is a great quality and an essential quality for an ethical person. However, there are times when silence should eclipse honesty. We’ve all been in a situation where we would rather avoid telling the truth to a friend, family or co-worker to avoid drama or hurting someone’s feelings. I believe there is no need to lie, either find a way to express the truth compassionately, or keep silent and remove yourself from the conversation. You can always take time to consider your thoughts and emotions and you will often get another opportunity to express what you want to say. Silence is often the wisest move and can speak much louder than words.

“I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant.” - H. L. Mencken -

To be truly honest we must first be honest with ourselves. Often we hide from our own reality - so how then can we project our true-self to others? Being confident and at peace with who we are and our life experience is essential to be genuine. 

“Goodness is about character - integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people.” - Dennis Prager –

You are responsible for your own truthfulness, but how others respond to it is out of your control. If you feel like you have to lie to someone then that person doesn’t know who you are and you don’t really value them. The act of lying is often justified by the fear of their reaction. When you are valued, loved and respected, the person will not only appreciate your honesty but also your loyalty. Everyone has lied and it never feels right… because in reality we are lying to ourselves about who we are, how we are perceived and the importance of truth. Continual dishonesty has a huge impact on our self-image, confidence and relationships with other people.

Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates.  At the first gate, ask yourself, ‘Is it true?’ At the second ask, ‘Is it necessary?’At the third gate ask ‘Is it kind? ~ Sufi Saying.

Being dishonest has consequences, some minor and others quite serious. You are responsible for what comes out of your mouth so if you can measure your words, the action of wisdom will be reflected in your life so assess the situation, think and then act. If your words have passed these three gates then the consequences of speaking the truth will be worth it.

BEING HONEST, YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF EVERYDAY.

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