ARE YOU A PEOPLE PLEASER?

Do you put your needs after everyone else’s? Do you wait for people to be happy, so you can feel happy? Do you always say – YES? Do you give more to others than you give to yourself? Are you always organising other people’s lives?

Well, if you answered yes to many of these questions you are simply putting yourself second best. This behaviour is deeply rooted in your past, whether it is abusive parents, harsh critics, an absence of love, neglect, unrealistically high expectations of yourself or feeling at odds with society. 

Being continuously criticised or neglected causes the need for excessive control by trying to please everyone and projecting a sense of perfection. There are many people with this behaviour, and often there is one commonality – the fear of rejection or failure. Your attempt to please the world leaves you feeling like you’ve done something good; by always helping and giving you think people will have to love you in return.

"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing." - AUGUST WILSON -

This pattern is very destructive as you are neglecting yourself. It can make you passive aggressive and foster resentment and it may also affect your ability to enjoy other people’s company and make you reclusive. In the worst cases, it can cause acute stress and depression as you will feel like everyone takes advantage of you. When your heart is lacking love and has done for a very long time, giving and pleasing is one of the many human coping mechanisms – pleasing becomes a currency to buy a moment of love. By pleasing, you feed on the emotion of other people and it will become addictive. You’ll end up relying on other people to make you feel good, whereas it should come from within. The remedy if you’re a people pleaser is learning how to say NO! The more you give, the more you’ll feel that you have been used, where in truth it was your choice to give, no matter if people asked for something or not. The choice to say NO is always yours.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" - GAUTAMA BUDDHA -

You are no good to anyone if you don’t look after yourself. Your heart is in the right place, but before you feed the world you must feed yourself. Give to others if you have extra, but don’t deprive yourself from things that your heart desires. Don’t let the guilt of success or personal abundance ruin your enjoyment of life. Start being generous towards yourself, as other people only need your love -- anymore than that is superfluous. You cannot buy love, but if you surround yourself with the right people they will love you unconditionally. Indulge in the things that you enjoy – by fulfilling your deepest desires and making your dreams come true, you won’t have the need to please continuously.

Most people want to surround themselves with strong and confident people; so you must learn how to say NO as otherwise you will be taken advantage of. There are many people who will try to pass you boring tasks and make you responsible for difficult situations, don’t make their life easy at the expense of yours.

“If you don't build your dream, someone else will hire you to help them build theirs.”- DHIRUBHAI AMBANI -

You are an incredible human being with a bright future, just choose to see it! Release the pain from the past, your lack of love can be filled with a handful of good people and the pursuit of a happy life.

YOUR UPBRINGING & YOUR PAST DON’T DEFINE YOUR FUTURE. 

YOU DO!

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FRIENDS

FRIENDSHIP is such a beautiful thing especially when two people truly appreciate and respect each other, and when the feeling is mutual. Friends should bring you joy and make you grow, they are a core part of life, having friends that you trust and love is essential to your well being.  I treat mine like I would like to be treated - I love them and wish them happiness.

« Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom ». - Marcel Proust -

I once had a friend that I trusted, but the relationship was unbalanced.  I would make her laugh when she was down; I’d send her gifts and fly to visit her every year.  I was her friend basically; but on many occasions she would say unkind things and I wouldn't say anything back. She didn't make me feel great about myself.

What this taught me is not blame the other person for being unkind or not returning what you have invested in the relationship, but to have self-respect and understand that people, whomever they are, will treat you the way you let them treat you.  Some people are simply unhappy or insecure and can’t return your kindness; and others are a little needy and may overwhelm you with a demanding friendship. If you have doubts about a friend ask yourself these questions:

Does this person make me happy? Can I be myself with this person? Does this person love me? Does this person lift my spirits and believe in my potential? Can I trust this person? When I think of this person, do I smile?

If most answers are 'NO' then protect your happiness and self-esteem, drift away gently without drama, sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing. Some people only cross your path to teach you something, so learn and move on.

There are different types of friendships and some are hard to identify.  It is essential that you surround yourself with happy and positive people that assume the best in life, even when down moments hit unexpectedly hard. Do your best to be there for the people that are going through a hard time, the genuine friends that just need a little boost from a good person so they can find their smiley face again.

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.” - Jim Morrison -

I’ve had a variety of friends, from wonderful to toxic, but I’m grateful to all of them because I have learnt so much through these different friendships.  As I understand more about the types of people in the world, I also have a better understanding about who to let in my life and who I should protect myself from.

IT TAKES ALL KINDS TO MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND.

The Supportive Friend - Always ready to cheer. Everyone should have a cheerful friend that will support you and your dreams. This little gem will love you and be ready to fight your corner. They are true to you, they don’t gossip, they're rarely negative and they remind you what a fantastic person you are. Treat those friends like diamonds, if you lose them they will be difficult to replace!

The Guru - The Guru is someone that gives you hints and clues on what to do when you are lost or not sure about the way forward. This friend always seems to know what to say and when to say it. They are truthful and they’ve experienced life and learnt their lessons. They sometimes go overboard and forget that everyone needs to make their own mistakes in order to learn the lessons. They have your best interests at heart because they love you and don’t want you to suffer.

The Comedian Friend - Nothing is that serious. The Comedian Friend makes you laugh, from your belly. They'll make your day with crazy stories. They have a gift to make people laugh and they’ll always see the positive side of any situation and make it into something funny. After having spent some time with this friend, you should have a smile on your face. Laughter is the best medicine. We all have a different sense of humour and sometime this friend is misunderstood and may offend people by joking about something sensitive.

The Good/ Best Friend - Everyone needs good and trustworthy friends in their life.  This friend sticks by you no matter what, because they love you and understand you like no one else. They would never would speak behind your back and don't judge you. Your best friend is the first person you call when you are down or going through hard times, also the one you call when you've got yourself in the “poo”, because they know that you are there for them, too. The relationship is balanced. They remember your birthday every year and celebrate the special moments. Some of your best experiences in life are with your best friend. I'm lucky to have a few of these gems in my life. I have experienced the craziest and funniest moments with them but also shared my tears and sadness, without these guys my life wouldn’t be what it is, they are my family.

The Toxic Friend - Vampire emotion, they suck the life out of you. The frustrating thing about this friendship is how it creeps up on you unexpectedly. Their negativity is astonishing, nothing is possible, and everything that happens to them is the end of the world. If you are sharing future plans with them, instead of cheering for your success they give you a list of bad things that might happen if you do it. Most conversations are about them and how unlucky they are. Usually these people don’t make you feel good about yourself and may even make you feel guilty to have what you have. They often knock your confidence down by throwing unkind comments your way to make themselves feel better. Knowing the signs of a toxic friend will help you to avoid remaining in such a friendship, or perhaps even developing one in the first place.

The Serial Canceller - You are disposable. This one has issues with time keeping and diary management. They will cancel on you all the time at the last minute. They know their craft and their excuses are original, but the truth is they simply can’t be bothered to meet you. Usually they will go quiet on you when they are busy and won’t have time to meet-up, but when they are bored they will know where to find you. If someone is not willing to make the effort to value your friendship, then move on. To them you are at their disposition and they will take advantage of your kindness.

The Taker Friend - An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of heartache. They will be happy to receive things from you, but you won’t see much from them. They love you when you pay the bills at the restaurants or when you spoil them with gifts on their birthday, but you won’t see a thing from them on your special days. They always borrow without giving back what they owe you and they always call you when they need something, but when you need something back they’re conveniently busy or unavailable. They are so happy to have you as a friend because you are generous. To be friend with a taker will drain you and lower your confidence, as you will be confused as to why you have given so much but received nothing in return. To avoid the heartache which may result from low self-esteem, you must walk away; they don’t deserve your time or your kindness.

Treat and love your friends like diamonds but do yourself a favor, walk away from negativity no matter what.

A few good friends is all you need.

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LIFE IS A JOURNEY, it's a one way trip.

There is no return in life, no way back to the past and no delete button. This is why it is so important to appreciate every moment and make decisions that please ourselves.  No one knows when our time is up, but we often forget that we aren't forever and some of us spend too much time contemplating life's misfortune.

I have realised that it is important to find pleasure in all the little things. 

How can we enjoy bigger gifts and experiences from life, if the little things aren't appreciated. The more positivity you see around you, the more life will serve you with positive experiences. What happens between your ears is the life experience you will get.

In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. - Abraham Lincoln -

No matter what your ambitions, aspirations, background, beliefs or origins, life is there to give you what you want, but it won't be easy. We are all tested from time to time so try to keep the right attitude; you will receive once you surrender to life; you must connect with it, heart and soul, in order to live the life you want.  You must forget approval and validation of your choices from others, as you might get it, but if you don't?  What then? You won't do what you love? Think again...  You might be a bit lonely but that's only until you find people truly like you, and you will!  You just need to tune onto the right frequency in your mind!

I have learned in life, that we should accept other people's ways or stay away, we don't have to believe in the same things and live the same way, we should just accept them as they are.  We are all unique.

Some secrets of life are to accept who we are and other people, to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes and to learn from them, to love ourselves and the people that appreciate us, and to reserve judgement, always.  We should enjoy every little thing in life and fulfil our destiny by doing what we want! It's no good to live your life for others, no one gets a second go!

Which person do you want to be?  The one who gets old and keeps thinking "If only I...", or the one who thinks "If I die tomorrow, I'll leave this world happy because...".

Most people don't listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply. So don't spend too much time explaining yourself to people that are only willing to misunderstand.

VALIDATE YOUR OWN LIFE.

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WHY DO WE CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK?

We have all experienced this limiting fear, where we impose restrictions on ourselves because we give so much importance to what other people may think of us and the decisions we make. We hope that our choices will be validated by the world. I describe this as self-betrayal! I believe the reason why it’s such an engrained habit is because everyone judges each other, and this has been passed down to us since the beginning of civilisation. It goes for our physical appearance, our lifestyles, our beliefs and our social status. 

We must teach ourselves not to judge one another, or at least to reserve judgment, as we are all unique and we experience life differently. All we need to do is teach one generation to live and let live and then we will embrace this new way of life.

“I feel like when people judge me they're not judging me, because they don't know who I am.” - Gisele Bundchen - 

By seeking validation of our choices we give people power to influence us in line with their lives and their choices, so we end up validating them. Instead of shining through our true self, we chose to suppress our reality and become a copy of someone else, who in turn is probably a copy of someone else and so on. 

Why such a deep desire to be validated all the time, you may ask? Well, I believe it comes from trying too hard to conform to our rigid society and our childhood conditioning. If a child isn’t given enough freedom of choice and isn’t taught to be his own person, the dependence on being validated in his adult life will remain. Another factor is the fear of being alone. If we don’t conform to others and their decisions we fear their rejection and that we might end up lonely.

I believe we are getting confused between being inspired by someone and becoming that person. Surrounding ourselves with positive, intelligent, ambitious and open minded people is a must in order to learn and excel at life, but everyone is different so remember to get inspired but stay genuine.

-“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.-”- Nelson Mandela -

There is another essential quality to stand out from the crowd and never give too much importance to what others’ think - and that’s confidence. It plays a crucial role in mastering self-validation because if our minds are always doubtful and pessimistic, making choices that impact our lives will be difficult as our judgement will be clouded. Most of us are afraid to make mistakes, but how then do we learn? We have to make choices and learn from those experiences. 

We are the scientists of our own lives. 

We conduct experiments all the time without even knowing it, and we have our own theories and evidence on what works for us. Don’t be imprisoned by others’ thoughts, as what they think of you and your life experience is their problem. By being wholly you, you will naturally attract people who won’t judge you by simply love you for all that you are. These people are most likely to help you excel in life and support you to become the best you that you can be!

LIVE YOUR LIFE BY YOUR OWN STANDARDS AND NEVER BE AFRAID TO SHINE.

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